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Somehow, LJ has become my "safe space". Probably because nobody I know in meatspace, or very few people I know in meatspace, know that this is here.


My grandfather died a month ago.

I spent the day in the hospital with him, before he died, and I sat with him as he died.

I can't process things until I can talk about them. I can talk a lot about what Gus meant to me and how much I loved him and how it makes me so sad that he's gone, but I haven't said anything about his actual dying other than that it happened and that I was there. And nobody has asked me about it, but I can't process it unless I talk about it.


cut for at-length discussion of deathCollapse )

Traditional photo!

2009, 2010, 2011Collapse )



I remember the first time I saw you.

When you were born I was sick. The doctor tried to show you to me but I couldn't see you. Your dad stayed with me for a minute after you were born but one of the doctors grabbed him by the arm, yanked him to his feet and said "come on, dad". Then he stayed with you while your doctor looked you over. The doctors told me that he said that you were perfect, and big, and healthy, and still a boy. The doctors worked on us both and took me to the recovery room.

I was alone, because Dad and Grammy were still with you. Grammy took a whole lot of pictures. Dad made sure that I was the first person to hold you. I begged the nurses to let me get up and go find you; I tried to move my legs but they didn't work. I couldn't feel my left arm. I wanted so badly to get to you and see you and know that you were okay. That you were perfect, and big, and healthy. I had to see you for myself. The nurses told me to stop trying. I tried to talk to them but couldn't.

You were one hour and 14 minutes old. The nurse told me that you were coming. She pulled back the curtain and I watched your Dad, still wearing the OR scrubs over his clothes, pushing a bassinet down the hall. He was so happy. The happiest I had ever seen him, and probably the happiest he had ever been in his entire life. I want you to remember that. No matter how mad Dad or I might ever get at you, or each other, I want you to remember how happy we were the day you came.

And then they gave you to me. They put you in my arms. Someone helped me get started on feeding you. I looked at your face, peeked under your little hat at your little head and all your soft hair. I was so amazed by you. You truly were perfect. You truly were big. You truly were healthy. Your eyes were open and they were the bluest blue I had ever seen.

They took you away for another test and brought me to our room. Grammy met me there. She clapped her hands and cried and told me how wonderful you were. I told her I knew. Every mom knows how wonderful their babies are.

They brought you to our room. They handed you to me. I held you until you fell asleep. I laid you on my legs and unwrapped your swaddle. I took in every tiny inch of you. Your toes. Your fingers. Your chub. Your hair. You were so angelic. I could not believe that you were mine.

You were big. You were healthy. And you were perfect, oh, were you perfect.

Traditional photo

I want to make sure that, every year on September 15, Andy and I have a photo taken together on the eve of his birthday.

2009, 2010Collapse )


He's become such an awesome, funny, smart little boy. I'm so proud.

Jul. 26th, 2011

Things have been nuts. Really, seriously nuts, especially over the past two weeks.

I moved! Into an apartment! Alone! I found it, signed the lease, made the deposit and started moving within a couple of days. I seriously pulled a home out of my ass. It has its quirks and its downsides but net-net, I love this place and I'm very happy.

I go to court for temporary orders on Thursday. My lawyer says he sees no problem getting unsupervised visitation and alimony. I hope he's right. I am cautiously optimistic. I'm nervous. I'm ready for this to be over.

where else to find me


Andy @ 18 months

Andy is 32.5 inches tall, has a head circumference of 50, and weighs 27lb 3oz. He also has pretty much all of his teeth. He loves his doctor and cried for him to come back when he left the room.

He isn't speaking much but he does understand commands. He also gives kisses and hugs. He's starting to use a spoon and he loves food. The other day he put apple Cheerios in his SpaghettiOs, which I will never understand, but he ate it gleefully and called it a day.

Also, I know he's definitely my kid because when I was giving him a bath the other day, he stood up in the sink and totally cannonballed, getting about ten gallons of soapy water fun all over the floor.
well is it larger than a baby's arm?
a few more cocktails will straighten you out
and we'll get to the bottom of it
something better to disarm
you were in the bathroom far too long,
now look at you go

i'm not safer than a bank, bitch
i'm not safer than a bank, bitch
but i'll tell you this
cos you're bound to find out
nothing is

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